Wednesday, June 29, 2011

On Guilt, Lack of Motivation, and Other Assorted Mindblocks

This, apparently, was a really terrible time to decide to start a food blog.

Why, you ask?

Well...because I can barely think of a thing to write.

Primarily because I can't seem to get myself into the kitchen.

See, the trouble with being a dancer and loving to bake is a little thing called "physical fitness".  I bake all the time, I don't look so hot in biketards.
[DANCER DICTIONARY: Biketard (n.) - a one-piece garment, tight-fitting and frequently revealing in nature, similar to a unitard in nature but ending in very small shorts just below the backside]
Which is why I prefer to bake for others.  However, I have about 3 friends that I actually speak to regularly remaining in the Northern Virginia area, so when I'm home, I see people besides my family maybe once a week.  Thus, anything I bake ends up sitting around my house waiting to enlarge my waistline.  And extra pounds, however delicious, won't help me with my prospective career.  What's more, if I do indulge - or even seriously consider indulging - I feel guilty about it till the end of time.  And I'm honestly terrified of losing my career over a less-than-perfect figure - there's a lot of great female dancers out there.  With six packs.  I work out a lot, but when I don't have constant access to dance classes (other than the ones I'm teaching to 4-year-olds...hardly helpful) I struggle to maintain weight, much less lose it.  And when I don't see results as quickly as I want to, I stop wanting to work out.  So, the search has been on for things to bake that won't kill my diet.

...But I don't want to bake those things.  I want to bake ridiculous tiered confections smothered in fancy buttercream, breakfast treats only considered breakfast-worthy because of the lack of frosting, and brownies and bar cookies that make your arteries clog just by looking at them.  So when I search through my recipe archives looking for suitable recipes, I come up with thoroughly uninspiring, crave-unsatisfying, poor alternatives to what I want to eat.  And in that case, what's the point?

There's a teensy silver lining in all of this, though.
While I may not be getting fully inspired or motivated to create in the kitchen, I'm getting "fed" elsewhere.  On Friday, I had an audition of sorts with the worship leader at my church to see if I'd get invited to sing on the worship team.  It was a really casual affair - just him, me, and his guitar - and after two songs I had the job...and we just kept singing!  Two days later I was up on stage helping to lead worship with an extended invitation to sing anytime I'm in town.  And I hadn't felt that blessed since I got back from dancing in New York.  I couldn't be more grateful to God for providing me with this opportunity, and I'm praying that as I draw closer to Him in worship He'll help me find my passion for food and fitness again.

I should be back soon with a recipe from the 4th of July.  Or potentially one that uses up ripe bananas.  Or both!  Let's hope for both, shall we? :)

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